you guys were way drunker than both of me
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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