Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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