i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
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