remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Randomize
