the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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