you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
My life is pants optional.
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