just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
Randomize
