Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
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