You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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