I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
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