The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
