did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
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remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
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Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom