Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.