Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
29 Petty People Reveal The Shallow Reasons They Turned Someone Down
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices