watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
