sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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