I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Randomize
