dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
