Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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