Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar