You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
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