I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
