I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
