I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
