Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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