dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
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