Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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