I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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