I cannot find my penis.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
