Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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