Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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