i need an iv and a liver transplant
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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