Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
