yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
