Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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