The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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