he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Randomize
