there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Randomize
