Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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