I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
