the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
