All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
I party with great urgency now.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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