at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I just forgot I was standing up.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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