the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
We're too hungover to prance.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Randomize
