I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
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We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
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Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do