It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Randomize
