3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
