I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Randomize
