she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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