I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
