my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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