So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
she peed on how many people?
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
