I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
JAMES WASHOMGTON STATE ATTACKED US
WE'RE FYCKED UL HARDCORW
THE REISLING ATRACEX US
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
