Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
