Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
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