It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
