The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He did a backflip because drugs
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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