AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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