Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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